I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
