drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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