my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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