I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
