I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
