ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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