Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the day after is always just damage control
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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