Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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