glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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