i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So much Jack, so little girl.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
