i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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