I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
