Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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