new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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