How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
