Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
