Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
