Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
