my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
