Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
