My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
