My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
