I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
