Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
