fuck your aforementioned shoe
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?