drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt