Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
