i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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