i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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