I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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