I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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