Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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