I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
