Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
