he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
