Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
