OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
