Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
