i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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