Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
