Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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