onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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