is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
