U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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