I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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