I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
