God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
