NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
