woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
