I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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