remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think your dad took our porno
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
