I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
