Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize