It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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