I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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