Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
