someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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